Of course this was Sandra- the primary school sweetheart he would not shut up about. I had thought(and thankfully so) that she had moved to the United States. From the little I had heard from my Paul she was a terrific actor. So good was she that she had gotten a full scholarship to go study arts in some prestigious drama school, Brown University.
She was back!
Paul would spend a good chunk of our time together talking about his long lost love. The funniest bit is that I would listen, even though I knew he had simply settled: for me.
I convinced myself that it was still okay since I was second best and he was the best thing that had ever happened to my life. I had met a couple of ... - how do I put it gently- different men in my time and I guess I was not ready to let an amazing man like Paul go because I was not the last thing he thought about when he went to sleep.
Paul made me feel important. He made me feel like I really could conquer anything in my life. Paul was so caring it almost seemed unreal. He did not open doors or hold my hand while going down the stairs(I think just like me, he figured that the stairs had rails or I could just go down slowly and carefully), but he did open my mind to possibilities. Possibilities of happiness, of hope, of better. These happy moments were special in spite of the cloud of the loss of Sandra(meaning they had lost touch since primary school)always hanging on our heads. I welcomed this cloud as a shield from the harsh realities of relationships such as cheating and spite. Paul treated me so well; maybe he felt guilty because he knew deep down that he could never give me his all. Paul had accepted me inspire of all my short comings. We had been through so much together,he and I.
I was jerked out of my thoughts by that voice that I knew now I would never forget in spite of whatever would happen in that room.
“Purity...” Instantly, his hands tightened around the sleepy Sandra when she stirred awake.
The scene unfolding before my eyes was nothing short of amazing.
“P, what’s going on.” A sleepy, slightly raspy voice asked beside him.
P.? That’s what she called Him? P was a short for Paul (for the benefit of those who haven’t figured it out). He never used that name anymore. Once when we were in town, an old schoolmate of his from primary school called him that; P. He told me that that was a long time ago and that he now preferred to be called Paul or Baraka. Usually, I called him bae,baby,sweetheart,and any other sweet names I could find.
This Sandra woman just picked up from where they left off in primary school. P is the name she chose and when my man replied; “ I don’t know princess,”, I knew he liked it. The princess acted like royalty, completely trusting her Knight in shining armour called P to handle matters. She did not move away but sought P’s hand and squeezed it.
Then they sat up and looked at me.
I cleared my throat, caressed the gun in my trench coat pocket and began my pitch because clearly this royal couple was never going to.
“Sandra, yes?” I went on...,not addressing anyone in particular. “I came to kill you.”Now to add drama to my words, -I have always been dramatic-I took out my gun and placed it on the dressing table.
Again that protective hand gave a squeeze and her highness responded. Now,it started to irritate me.
I picked up my gun, cocked it and pointed at the Princess. “Slowly disentangle yourself from Paul and sit or sleep at the end of the bed,” I said. To my surprise, she did, without a word, just a slight, very quick it’s okay look to P. The distance between the two of them was now comfortable enough to look at and hold a productive exchange of ideas.
“Paul, you could have told me, you know,” I began my presentation .”I am not a monster and neither am I a piece of cheap chocolate that would melt at the slightest rise in temprature.I would get it. I would never force myself on you if you would exclusively told me that the one love of your life was back and that it’s she you wanted. I always knew I was the placeholder but you did not make any promises that you did not keep and I respected that, until now. You Paul should have told me.”
I was shouting now.
He just watched me and I could not help but remember the many times he had done that when I was ranting about one thing or the other especially about my job. He would always watch me talk and would only come in when he was certain I was finished. Normally, he would get the timing correct. Even though I wanted to be in control of the situation, I knew that in this particular situation, this was one I was not able to win. So, I picked another one; one I was sure I would win.
“Take a blanket or something and go sit out in the bathroom. Don't carry a phone, you can read a magazine in the toilet ,”I directed my orders at the Princess. Within the help of my weapon (the cocked gun), I was able to reduce Paul’s protests to a blessed silence. The concern, worry, anxiety, on his face were the victory badges I had been looking for.
Finally just Paul and me.
“You guys dress up after ...you know,”. This was how I had decided to begin my second half of the pitch. I have to say I was not prepared for the answer I got though. I was totally disarmed .
“We are saving ourselves for marriage, ”he said.
What!!! The man I knew loved to have sex, although I have to agree he had been a bit elusive of late, okay maybe not a bit, but he loved it. Now, he was the same man sitting there explaining that he was holding it off until marriage. He was trying to tell me that he was willing to wait for the Princess until such a time as they got married. Paul was trying to tell me that the Princess meant that much to him.I am not saying I didn’t want him to wait for me, just that I didn’t ever believe that my being there, present would be enough to keep him. However, if we are being honest, I am trying to say that I don’t think such an arrangement would have worked with me.I was now jealous and that bitter saliva that would not get past the potato on my throat now threatened to inspire me to pull the trigger of my gun. I held it together, I was jealous and a tad angry but I was not stupid.
“So, you two are a thing called what?” I soldiered on. “Are you lovers, friends, bed mates, companions, brother sister, “I enunciated my question just to make sure the answer I was given was the one to the question I had asked.i
“All of those, the brother and sister not so much.”
“How do you know you are all that.? “This was my counter.
Even as I asked, I realized that my interrogation had shifted from a need to understand why he would be with another woman in a hotel room whilst we were dating to a need to understand how they felt so right for each other, to understand how they looked so right. I wanted to understand how he could care for the Princess with such a tenderness I had never experienced with him.
Paul went on and on about his princess explaining how they talked late into the night about everything-their work, they’re school days. I saw his face light up when he described a restaurant they were working on. The Princess understood his work and exchanged ideas with him. I was a business manager, I didn’t know much about design and decorating and of all things restaurants. He kept talking and as he did, I could see a light in his eyes that I had never seen before.
Right there, I knew that there were many things that could dim that light dancing in his eyes but me demanding that he didn’t leave me was not going to be one of them.I had lost my Paul,heck,I had never had him. I was holding a place for royalty and it was time to relinquish the spot.
“You are an amazing woman,I am just not the man for you, “ he said.
“I know that Paul....I was just never willing to accept that. I guess I just wanted closure. You were a coward not to tell me when it was over though but I guess the Princess in the bathroom has covered that punishment.
“She is a lucky woman and the gun is not loaded.”
As I locked the door behind me,buttoning my coat, I knew I had done right by me. I walked out knowing I wanted what the Princess and her Knight had.
The crazy woman was helpful after all...
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