...the Reason why they would think that my reasons were stupid is because they were. i would cry and sometimes still do because my dad shouted at me or somebody made reference to my inability to be a good mother to my son. I remember one time I threw all caution to the wind and went out to meet my friends out of town. things did not go according to plan and I returned home a little late. I even bought vegetables in town so that i would not delay supper any later. on reaching home, my sister was so pissed at me for leaving my child with her for that long. i should have told her for how long I was going to be out. I understand that but for me the words she chose too use just cut me into pieces. Any comment that comes my way in the form of criticism is often construed as an attack on me as a person.
Well, that has been my life for so long but I guess that if you are alive, you have to live. I am a firm believer in God and his existence and that God has a lot of love to give. Truth be told God has always had my back and I believe he is the sole purpose that I did not crawl into deeper darkness. I believe he is my strength.
Now I hope you don't expect a dramatic turn around but what happened and is still happening is what I call a David journey. I call it because David was so imperfect but he always stood up to to his mistakes and repented and he ended up as being the man after God's own heart.
In 2015, God sent several people in my life who have helped work on my esteem but I think it is important to say that they were just guides. The real person to pull out of darkness is me.
God sent me a lady called Ruth who taught me to appreciate my body. We literally went through what clothes I could wear and encouraged me to appreciate who I was. She even took her time to apply make up on me and I felt good. This encounter taught me that How you look on the outside contributes to a good extent how you look on the inside. I get it now, when you dress to dress and not to cover up, and feel comfortable, it actually boosts your mood and ultimately self-esteem.
God sent me my current boyfriend who is my number one cheerleader and when stuff is going downward spiral, he is there to hold me back up in his own way. No, he is far from Alejandro but I am glad he is there. Now, before you think that I am finding my validity in a man, that's not it. The fact is that I needed help and I take it from wherever it comes from. And the point is, I am simply learning lessons about me that i had never known before. That I had never known exist.
My home church K.A.G Kakamega town Youth fraternity is a small community of angels. Everyone there accepts everyone. This group really believes in God and accepts people just the way they are. Everyone knows who behaves how and they are accepted just like that. It is a pleasure to be with them and they are a great support system in terms of just being in a safe space to make mistakes and learn and be who you are.
Acting is a great therapeutic tool. it is what I do best. I have been told that I have done well by some of the best directors in Kenya. So, what stops me from being a a star? Nothing.
Prayer plays a key role and I believe that finding yourself in Christ day by day helps make life enjoyable and worth living.
Low self esteem is a poison that slowly kills the joy of life and even though people like me really need a lot of validation to prop us up, it is our own decision to change our life. I made the decision and now am on the journey. I still cry but I understand it now as a healing process and not as a condemnation phase. Oh yes, I removed some clothes from my wardrobe and I actually use lipstick- purple by the way. I get that I am not the only person in the world and the world is made up of other people.
I appreciate myself and I want to baptize this blog and re-name it GLORIA TSUMA OWICHIRA and be true to what I put in it as my stuff.
Thank you.
Monday, 21 March 2016
Saturday, 19 March 2016
GLORIA TSUMA OWICHIRA: MASK OFF(chapter one)
GLORIA TSUMA OWICHIRA: MASK OFF(chapter one): I am generally a very talkative girl when presented with the opportunity. I can also be annoyingly quiet when in unfamiliar territory. Well...
MASK OFF(chapter one)
I am generally a very talkative girl when presented with the opportunity. I can also be annoyingly quiet when in unfamiliar territory.
Well, that is what I tell myself. The truth is that I have suffered self esteem issues since I joined high school. I always believe that I am not good enough and until I feel that I am or somebody else points that out in me, then I would rather shut up and let those who care to believe, believe what they will. I am still battling with those issues up to now and have never really let myself out to anybody seeing as I am too scared to reveal myself to the world. I would much rather wait to tailor make myself into what I believe the world wants before the great reveal.
It is this lack of self belief that has made me cry myself to sleep so many nights, it is this same disbelief in myself that has made me comfortable when people label me as the tasteless one when it came to so many life matters. It is also this disbelief in myself that has led me to be so vulnerable to pain and hurt because i have confused the little attention i receive from people as a sign of undying love. My need to please people I deem society worthy has caused me embarrassment so many times. Many a times, i have simply locked myself in my room and cried and then came out to face my life- a life I have not loved for some time now.I have not bought poison but have considered the world without me a couple of times. I am afraid of hell so I don't think I would go that way.
This low self esteem has made me wear clothes that could be called trashy in a bid to prove that I too could fit in the fashion at that time or simply put on clothes because i was naked. I have a great body but for many years I have been ashamed at my curves, at my breasts. I did not like them at all and often wondered why God saw it fit to give me a booty like mine. Or why he made my breasts sprout in class five when none of mu fellow classmates had.
It is this same self esteem that made/makes me argue all the time because I am so desperate to prove that I can make a point too. That I was still relevant.
I ended up pregnant after dating a guy for two weeks. This I must say was among the last nails on my coffin of wallowing in self hate. Now I knew that I was really stupid. I struggled to keep it together after escaping an abortion operation by a whisker.
Every man that said past a hallo to me was a husband material. I desperately wanted to feel needed and loved.I wanted to feel important so desperately.
Oh yes, I laughed but I knew that I was a mess inside me, a ticking time bomb. My crying episodes went a notch higher but It was just me and my sheets and sometimes God. I had learned that you didn't rub your eyes when you cry because that was what caused eye swelling and the redness. and should someone ask me why I was crying, I knew the answer would never make sense to them.
(join me for chapter two)
Well, that is what I tell myself. The truth is that I have suffered self esteem issues since I joined high school. I always believe that I am not good enough and until I feel that I am or somebody else points that out in me, then I would rather shut up and let those who care to believe, believe what they will. I am still battling with those issues up to now and have never really let myself out to anybody seeing as I am too scared to reveal myself to the world. I would much rather wait to tailor make myself into what I believe the world wants before the great reveal.
It is this lack of self belief that has made me cry myself to sleep so many nights, it is this same disbelief in myself that has made me comfortable when people label me as the tasteless one when it came to so many life matters. It is also this disbelief in myself that has led me to be so vulnerable to pain and hurt because i have confused the little attention i receive from people as a sign of undying love. My need to please people I deem society worthy has caused me embarrassment so many times. Many a times, i have simply locked myself in my room and cried and then came out to face my life- a life I have not loved for some time now.I have not bought poison but have considered the world without me a couple of times. I am afraid of hell so I don't think I would go that way.
This low self esteem has made me wear clothes that could be called trashy in a bid to prove that I too could fit in the fashion at that time or simply put on clothes because i was naked. I have a great body but for many years I have been ashamed at my curves, at my breasts. I did not like them at all and often wondered why God saw it fit to give me a booty like mine. Or why he made my breasts sprout in class five when none of mu fellow classmates had.
It is this same self esteem that made/makes me argue all the time because I am so desperate to prove that I can make a point too. That I was still relevant.
I ended up pregnant after dating a guy for two weeks. This I must say was among the last nails on my coffin of wallowing in self hate. Now I knew that I was really stupid. I struggled to keep it together after escaping an abortion operation by a whisker.
Every man that said past a hallo to me was a husband material. I desperately wanted to feel needed and loved.I wanted to feel important so desperately.
Oh yes, I laughed but I knew that I was a mess inside me, a ticking time bomb. My crying episodes went a notch higher but It was just me and my sheets and sometimes God. I had learned that you didn't rub your eyes when you cry because that was what caused eye swelling and the redness. and should someone ask me why I was crying, I knew the answer would never make sense to them.
(join me for chapter two)
Saturday, 27 February 2016
THSI PARTICULAR CHRISTIAN BROTHER...(prt two)
...this new road was unfamiliar for Mara. When he started asking her how the cookie tasted, when did somebody hen pave it. Was somebody allowed to have it while pregnant?
unfortunately, Mara answered all his questions as best as she could because anyway, does eating the cookie once or twice make you the professor of cookie eating all of a sudden?
why did he suddenly need to ask Mara all these questions? what gave him the right to ask her all these questions?/ would he have dared to ask her if she had not gotten pregnant?
that is a question for another day.
so, it was during one of these insane late night sharing of sexual experience(at least on Mara's part) that Gephas made a stunning revelation.
He told Mara that all along, ever since he met her actually he had had feelings for her but was unable to act on them since he was a bit older and he had realized this only after Mara had finished form four.
Mara was over the moon and like a burst water pipe, began to pour out all that was in her heart, she went on and on about how she too had had feelings for him, about how she too just did not know how to share them with him, she went on about why he did not tell her about it. To which he replied that he was afraid of her father. As Mara would recall, she talked most of the rest of the night, all this time opening her heart too the man she had always thought would replace Peter, her primary school sweetheart.
Shocker!!! sine they were now past, the feelings part having established their feelings for each other, Mara, decided to ask about what happened to his previous girlfriend since a man does not open up about his feelings for you while they belong to another, right?
nope! wrong! well, not entirely wrong unless the man was simply taking you for an emotional road trip but only you were on the road, he never went with you. something like a GPS. he knows the road and so he is able to lead you very well along it but he is right where he was at the start of the journey or in Mara's case, he is heading a completely different direction.
Gephas took this particular ooprtunity to make his great reveal- 'swiry'. this is a woman who he was in a relationship with for two yeras and he loved her so much. yeah yeah, whatever man.
as shocking and a tad too painful as it was for Mara, not so much about the woman but about the staggering realization that she had been dealt on a good one, she held her head high and replied Oh! she could e casual too about the matter , right?
so, what was this saved brother getting at by his bastard like behaviour. wass it a moment of satanic influence or what? Mara will never understand. she also will never understand his casual treatment of their interractions, lik ethey never happened.
it took a coule of failed attempts for Mara to totally move on from this saved brother and his consatnt emotional manipulations and unclear signals buut at least she installed a GPS system for future road trips.
The saved brother is now married and when alone Mara reminds herself that she was always alone in this game and hopes that she is wiser now. She has learned that the gem with the roughest edges is mostly the most precious ones. what she doesn't get is this," is Jesus not a source of peace and not pain? How can somebody who claims to have him behave the opposite by such a large margin? Hmmm....
unfortunately, Mara answered all his questions as best as she could because anyway, does eating the cookie once or twice make you the professor of cookie eating all of a sudden?
why did he suddenly need to ask Mara all these questions? what gave him the right to ask her all these questions?/ would he have dared to ask her if she had not gotten pregnant?
that is a question for another day.
so, it was during one of these insane late night sharing of sexual experience(at least on Mara's part) that Gephas made a stunning revelation.
He told Mara that all along, ever since he met her actually he had had feelings for her but was unable to act on them since he was a bit older and he had realized this only after Mara had finished form four.
Mara was over the moon and like a burst water pipe, began to pour out all that was in her heart, she went on and on about how she too had had feelings for him, about how she too just did not know how to share them with him, she went on about why he did not tell her about it. To which he replied that he was afraid of her father. As Mara would recall, she talked most of the rest of the night, all this time opening her heart too the man she had always thought would replace Peter, her primary school sweetheart.
Shocker!!! sine they were now past, the feelings part having established their feelings for each other, Mara, decided to ask about what happened to his previous girlfriend since a man does not open up about his feelings for you while they belong to another, right?
nope! wrong! well, not entirely wrong unless the man was simply taking you for an emotional road trip but only you were on the road, he never went with you. something like a GPS. he knows the road and so he is able to lead you very well along it but he is right where he was at the start of the journey or in Mara's case, he is heading a completely different direction.
Gephas took this particular ooprtunity to make his great reveal- 'swiry'. this is a woman who he was in a relationship with for two yeras and he loved her so much. yeah yeah, whatever man.
as shocking and a tad too painful as it was for Mara, not so much about the woman but about the staggering realization that she had been dealt on a good one, she held her head high and replied Oh! she could e casual too about the matter , right?
so, what was this saved brother getting at by his bastard like behaviour. wass it a moment of satanic influence or what? Mara will never understand. she also will never understand his casual treatment of their interractions, lik ethey never happened.
it took a coule of failed attempts for Mara to totally move on from this saved brother and his consatnt emotional manipulations and unclear signals buut at least she installed a GPS system for future road trips.
The saved brother is now married and when alone Mara reminds herself that she was always alone in this game and hopes that she is wiser now. She has learned that the gem with the roughest edges is mostly the most precious ones. what she doesn't get is this," is Jesus not a source of peace and not pain? How can somebody who claims to have him behave the opposite by such a large margin? Hmmm....
Monday, 1 February 2016
Red-hot carpet: THIS PARTICULAR CHRISTIAN BROTHER(prt 1)
Red-hot carpet: THIS PARTICULAR CHRISTIAN BROTHER(prt 1): Mara's mother always told her that if she got a man, he should be saved. i agree, because in all honesty, how can two walk together unless...
THIS PARTICULAR CHRISTIAN BROTHER(prt 1)
Mara's mother always told her that if i get a man, he should be saved. i agree, because in all honesty, how can two walk together unless they agree?(Amos3;3).
however, there is this crucial part of the equation that mothers forget to add, mine included. that, if you happen to find a brother who is not a practicing born again, you cannot change him, rather, he will draw you to his way and then boom! i know it sounds like it should be common sense but as Mara found out,common sense was not hat much common. Anyway, for today, that is not the point.because I am not yet sure how to down that road without being hypocritical or judgmental. Let me tell you about this christian brother. Whether he is a practicing born again is between him and Jesus.
Mara was seven months pregnant by the time she was finally able to tell her parents and go home. Gephas was her neighbor back in the village. he was at the time, the only one of all her neighbors the one she could relate. Gephas was a little older than her but they could talk and laugh. he always made her uncomfortable and nervous and Mara did a long list of stupid things when she was around the guy. she was a fluent speaker( she is a performing artiste-speech is vital for the success of this chosen career path) but somehow, she stammered through everything she said when she was with him. she trembled even, damn, she could hear her voice shake. she only got that feeling when she was on stage, you know while performing an act. Which is exactly what she would do whenever she was in the presence of this man.
Mara considered this Gephas person a friend. so, since she had jumped the hurdle of telling her parents about the pregnancy, she could tell her friends, at least the ones who did not know yet. one of them was Gephas. she settled on a text because she dared not call lest he ignored her quite openly.
the sequence she has now gotten used to followed;
shock- disbelief('' What! you are lying, uwongo)- awkward questions( so, what are you going to do?, who is the father?)-moment of silence-asking for time to process( let me call you).
Call he did,albeit late into the night. and my oh my. He was exactly what Mara needed. He was not judgmental, they joked about it and Mara felt a little at ease. The following months were late night chats which would sometimes go late into the night. he was always so encouraging and supportive. always telling her to pray for her baby every day, to be still and let God be God. all this was so cool and very helpful through out her pregnancy.
He was there even for the delivery, at least he was one of the people he texted to ask for prayers when the doctors told her her baby was in distress and she needed surgery. He even came to see her in hospital and brought with him a card.
All this time, Mara's head knew that he was just a big brother. but why did her body temperature shoot any time he was around her, and why did did she anticipate a message from him all the time?
Brother Gephas was still supportive even after the birth of the baby and would still text until his encouragement took a different turn altogether.
however, there is this crucial part of the equation that mothers forget to add, mine included. that, if you happen to find a brother who is not a practicing born again, you cannot change him, rather, he will draw you to his way and then boom! i know it sounds like it should be common sense but as Mara found out,common sense was not hat much common. Anyway, for today, that is not the point.because I am not yet sure how to down that road without being hypocritical or judgmental. Let me tell you about this christian brother. Whether he is a practicing born again is between him and Jesus.
Mara was seven months pregnant by the time she was finally able to tell her parents and go home. Gephas was her neighbor back in the village. he was at the time, the only one of all her neighbors the one she could relate. Gephas was a little older than her but they could talk and laugh. he always made her uncomfortable and nervous and Mara did a long list of stupid things when she was around the guy. she was a fluent speaker( she is a performing artiste-speech is vital for the success of this chosen career path) but somehow, she stammered through everything she said when she was with him. she trembled even, damn, she could hear her voice shake. she only got that feeling when she was on stage, you know while performing an act. Which is exactly what she would do whenever she was in the presence of this man.
Mara considered this Gephas person a friend. so, since she had jumped the hurdle of telling her parents about the pregnancy, she could tell her friends, at least the ones who did not know yet. one of them was Gephas. she settled on a text because she dared not call lest he ignored her quite openly.
the sequence she has now gotten used to followed;
shock- disbelief('' What! you are lying, uwongo)- awkward questions( so, what are you going to do?, who is the father?)-moment of silence-asking for time to process( let me call you).
Call he did,albeit late into the night. and my oh my. He was exactly what Mara needed. He was not judgmental, they joked about it and Mara felt a little at ease. The following months were late night chats which would sometimes go late into the night. he was always so encouraging and supportive. always telling her to pray for her baby every day, to be still and let God be God. all this was so cool and very helpful through out her pregnancy.
He was there even for the delivery, at least he was one of the people he texted to ask for prayers when the doctors told her her baby was in distress and she needed surgery. He even came to see her in hospital and brought with him a card.
All this time, Mara's head knew that he was just a big brother. but why did her body temperature shoot any time he was around her, and why did did she anticipate a message from him all the time?
Brother Gephas was still supportive even after the birth of the baby and would still text until his encouragement took a different turn altogether.
Saturday, 30 January 2016
Red-hot carpet: I WISH HE CHEATED
Red-hot carpet: I WISH HE CHEATED: Most people in a relationship dread the day they either catch their other half cheating or they simply find out he/she was cheating on them....
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