Welcome to the third installment of the wedding series. I appreciate all of you who have read. A special thank you to The Jewels who have supported me since I began sharing my thoughts.Maybe one day I will tell you about The Jewels.
*THREE*
I made up my mind that He was neither the man I had nurtured in my head nor was he the man I wanted to be with.
This decision had two parts.
Part One:
During one of our Facebook or text messages conversations, things took a deep turn. This always happens when you extend boy girl conversations well into ungodly hours. Darkness always invites a certain kind of vibe. It was during this time that it accidentally slipped that HE was in a relationship. Not the one with Jesus or his mother. You remember the torch that I had kept lit for him all this time? Yes? It just went out. It hurt so bad. I dont know why I had expected him to be faithful to a primary school fling but...The thing about me, although I hate it; I prefer to be told things in plain black or white. i do not have the mechanism in me to read in between lines. My DNA omits that in installation.Now that I am older, just knowing that about myself makes navigating life a little easier.With the knowledge that that was the way I am wired came a certain kind of freedom. I am able to now unashamedly ask anyone to clarify what it is they are saying even though it may seem obvious to the rest of the people. I give it in black and white and so I expect to receive in black and white.
I digress.
In my naive Kakamega mind, he had committed a grave sin. Even though boys did not look my way, I still felt that I had wasted valuable time holding out hope that he too was waiting for the day we shall finally re unite. Nevertheless, I still listened to him as he tried hard to come back from the slip up. He was offering many sentences in the form of apologies.It was past mid-night and even though I am a night owl, I suddenly felt tired. The conversation suddenly became too boring and heading to nothingness. In the midst of both of us trying to recover, he from slipping up and I from the shock of being" Cheated on",somebody suggested that we meet physically.Hence, He coming to Kahawa Wendani.
Part two:
I met him at the stage near Magunas Supermarket. I do not like boys/ men younger than me. They exude some level of immaturity that I am unable to handle. I am a firstborn who was tasked with responsibility and expected to honor them at an early age. I blame my position with younger men on this. One of the things I particularly disliked about younger guys was their embracing of the fashion trend that was skinny jeans. Guess what?!!!!!!#####!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, you guessed right alright. He showed up in a pair of skinny jeans. I could not turn back at that moment. I had to see this meeting through.
We exchanged an awkward hug. I still had not gotten a hung of this hugging men thing as a greeting but it was one of the things I had to learn if I was to successfully transition from a village girl to a town girl."dem wa uni". There was another factor that aided in my decision. My head HE was an Alehandro( i will only ever elaborate this at gunpoint) He. This one standing before me was so ordinary. I found it difficult to reconcile the two.
I am a terrific actor, so I bought him chapo Madondo at a cafe. I did not buy from the women with many sufurias selling different cereals. The perfection spirit had swiftly made a comeback as soon as I set my eyes on him. I feigned confidence as I pulled the remaining two hundred shilling note from my wallet. The food had cost me one hundred and sixty shillings. As I put my forty shillings back in my purse, I ticked fail in my head. He had failed the second test. He did not offer to pay for the food. Had he come all this way to eat my food. He could at least have offered to buy soda. He has never given me a good enough explanation for this unacceptable behavior to date. We walked the dusty Kahawa Wendani road and landed at my extremely humble abode. It was truly an abode as it consisted of my bed, a table and my suitcases. One on the bed and the other under the bed. Even as I offered him a bed, I regretted ever agreeing to meet him at my place. I felt so embarrassed that my ears became hot. I served him and we ate in silence. I had to stop eating because even my eating was not perfect enough. He has this piercing gaze that made it impossible to do anything without feeling like he was watching my every move. The last thing I wanted was to make a fool of myself in front of him. Our talking problem reared its head higher than ever that afternoon. Oh, it was the most awkward meeting I have ever had with anyone. When I could not take it anymore, I made up an excuse about a group discussion I had nearby. I needed to tell my friend about the encounter. I walked him a few meters to the road. No sooner had he left my sight than I blocked him on my phone and on social media.
As I negotiated a corner toward my friends house, I knew that I would never see him nor talk to him again. Things took an interesting turn for the village girl. I found myself a bad guy who taught me unhelpful things like skipping class to just sit in a campus room and walk the walk of shame severally. I one day walked this walk pregnant.I left him. I found myself a smooth talking Luo guy who was smitten by me. I left him too. I then reconnected with my Luo guy. We tried. He left me.
Between my escapades with these men, HE was always in the picture.I would block and unblock him but he was always there.When the skipping class guy got me pregnant, I got even more confused. I could not believe I had lost my virginity in campus and in a campus room. I could not bear to be me. I wished I could run away and leave myself. I had never let myself down to that level. I felt I had lost something precious.I was a mess.
I thought about suicide but did not like my options. I had settled for poison but did not know how to go buy it without being asked so many questions. I am a good actor but a bad liar when asked straight questions. I did not want to mutilate myself because the pain would be too much for me to bear. I did think of a jiko but where would I get one. Besides, I was not good at lighting jikos. Also, I did not want to end up in hell. I shelved the suicide idea. I settled for an abortion. I did research which is amazingly readily available. I met nurses in reputable hospitals who were willing to help me. Their only concern was that I would be able to rest because of the heavy bleeding after the operation. I had everything ready. I gathered money fro various sources including the seed planter , bought many pads and cotton wool and waited for morning. At midnight, my friend called me and spent the better part of the night talking me out of the abortion. She promised to walk with me through the whole process which she did. She took great care of me like I was her daughter.(This is for another day.)
The next morning, I left for school. I was constantly in thoughts of awaited me in the future. Death seemed like a peaceful option but I could not find a reason to convince myself to go through with it. HE and I were in a season of unblocking so we were back to chatting. I typed," I am Pregnant." He typed," I love you." I blocked him. Those were the very words that had put me in the predicament I was in. I did not need them. I could not handle them. He later explained that it was a desperate attempt to keep me since he thought I was only telling him that to push him away. I dont know hwy he thought because I rarely tell straight lies. Most of the lies I tell are of omission. When I talk, I tell it and I tell it in plain black and white.
That block was the longest one. It was during this time that I met Luo guy for a take two. I would later learn that he also met his person. When Luo guy left me, I was a free bird. I had decided to try and be single for a while.I was just figuring out my life. My son was four years old at the time. I had just enrolled for masters. I had unblocked most people I had blocked in my younger years. He had made the cut. I could not bring myself to talk to him and explain that the block had been made out of pain this time and had nothing to do with him.
Then, what would be the beginning of a series of miracles happened.
* to be continued.....
Friday 31 July 2020
Thursday 30 July 2020
TEMPORARY SEPARATION
Welcome to the second installment. I really appreciate the feedback from the first installment.
*TWO*
The end of primary school meant the beginning of a new season in my life. I call it upper adolescence. The changes in the body really begin to take shape. With the changes come the emotions. It's a confusing time because it's the time when one needs the most love yet rejects it the most. It's like a child being forced to fit in a big body and expected to act like their body yet has no capacity to do so. Adults around me would sometimes tease me about how my perky my breasts were. (This is just wrong) . What they did not realize was that the little uncalled for teases would mount up to low self esteem and body hate. This would last until I was well into my adult life.
One of the things that helped me cope with my confusing situation was the hope that I would re-unite with him. I still held out hope despite the farewell letter. At the back of my mind, I knew that there was somebody who cared for me regardless of what form my body took.
We tried to communicate via phone. I did not own one so I had to use my mother's. He could not text me because my mother would have found these messages. He had to call. As aforementioned, we were not good at talking to each other. Something happened when we heard the other person's voice. I for one began to tremble and words simply refused to leave my lips. Our telephone communication did not go well and when I joined high school, it stopped.
Despite having no communication, I held out hope that we would one day meet and pick up from where we left off. He was constantly on my mind. This hope helped a little bit when none of the cute guys during school outings paid any attention to me. I lived in a fantasy where my prince charming also spent his time wondering about whatever happened to his sharp tongue princess. I was struggling with my studies(too many subjects). I had to go through this struggle 'on my own'.He was not there to help me in the areas that were difficult. Still, sometimes I made an effort just because I imagined that wherever he was, he too was making an effort. I conjured images of him as a man in my head. I didn't mind when my classmates received letters from boys because I was so sure that he was waiting for me. He would be on the other side of what I considered a temporary separation.
One day, a girl in a lower class came to me and asked if I knew him. My defences went up. This time it was not because of competition rather because of fear. My all girls high school was a strictly no boys zone. If the administration even heard a rumor that one of us as much as looked at a boy, the girl in question was in hot soup seasoned with the strongest pepper available. I had enough problems as it were. I could not afford to add "boys" to my list. Still, I cautiously gave the girl who would later turned out to be his family friend audience. It was a short message. "he says HI".
The effort to reach me dwarfed the brevity of the message. Once again, I felt special and honored. He did not contact me again through my high school.
I completed high school without pomp and quickly joined campus a few months after my final exams. I carried the ever lighting torch for him to campus.
Campus was different from anything I had ever experienced. There was freedom.
Armed with my huge baggage of body image and self esteem issues, I began the next phase of my life. One that would ultimately shape the rest of it. There was so much to learn. One of them was Facebook.
It would be on Facebook that we reconnected. Since we were typing, it was a lot easier to communicate. We would catch up as friends but never once actually spoke to one another. What both of us did not realize was that, while we were on our "temporary separation", we had evolved into different people. We had shared different experiences and developed different outlooks on life.
I was at the University in Nairobi. I would finish school and get a good job. I had lived with my imaginary him that I actually believed in my heart that he looked like that. In my quest to transform from a village girl to a city one, I began to live my life against what I saw with my classmates and what I saw in the movies. I wanted an "Alejandro" handsome man with cars, on ewho would instantlysee me and take me to the movies and buy me nice jewelery and clothes. Oh, I cringe when I think of that time in my life.
We planned to physically meet. I am not sure how. He came to Kahawa which is where I lived. I took one llok at him and made up my mind.
*... To be continued....
*TWO*
The end of primary school meant the beginning of a new season in my life. I call it upper adolescence. The changes in the body really begin to take shape. With the changes come the emotions. It's a confusing time because it's the time when one needs the most love yet rejects it the most. It's like a child being forced to fit in a big body and expected to act like their body yet has no capacity to do so. Adults around me would sometimes tease me about how my perky my breasts were. (This is just wrong) . What they did not realize was that the little uncalled for teases would mount up to low self esteem and body hate. This would last until I was well into my adult life.
One of the things that helped me cope with my confusing situation was the hope that I would re-unite with him. I still held out hope despite the farewell letter. At the back of my mind, I knew that there was somebody who cared for me regardless of what form my body took.
We tried to communicate via phone. I did not own one so I had to use my mother's. He could not text me because my mother would have found these messages. He had to call. As aforementioned, we were not good at talking to each other. Something happened when we heard the other person's voice. I for one began to tremble and words simply refused to leave my lips. Our telephone communication did not go well and when I joined high school, it stopped.
Despite having no communication, I held out hope that we would one day meet and pick up from where we left off. He was constantly on my mind. This hope helped a little bit when none of the cute guys during school outings paid any attention to me. I lived in a fantasy where my prince charming also spent his time wondering about whatever happened to his sharp tongue princess. I was struggling with my studies(too many subjects). I had to go through this struggle 'on my own'.He was not there to help me in the areas that were difficult. Still, sometimes I made an effort just because I imagined that wherever he was, he too was making an effort. I conjured images of him as a man in my head. I didn't mind when my classmates received letters from boys because I was so sure that he was waiting for me. He would be on the other side of what I considered a temporary separation.
One day, a girl in a lower class came to me and asked if I knew him. My defences went up. This time it was not because of competition rather because of fear. My all girls high school was a strictly no boys zone. If the administration even heard a rumor that one of us as much as looked at a boy, the girl in question was in hot soup seasoned with the strongest pepper available. I had enough problems as it were. I could not afford to add "boys" to my list. Still, I cautiously gave the girl who would later turned out to be his family friend audience. It was a short message. "he says HI".
The effort to reach me dwarfed the brevity of the message. Once again, I felt special and honored. He did not contact me again through my high school.
I completed high school without pomp and quickly joined campus a few months after my final exams. I carried the ever lighting torch for him to campus.
Campus was different from anything I had ever experienced. There was freedom.
Armed with my huge baggage of body image and self esteem issues, I began the next phase of my life. One that would ultimately shape the rest of it. There was so much to learn. One of them was Facebook.
It would be on Facebook that we reconnected. Since we were typing, it was a lot easier to communicate. We would catch up as friends but never once actually spoke to one another. What both of us did not realize was that, while we were on our "temporary separation", we had evolved into different people. We had shared different experiences and developed different outlooks on life.
I was at the University in Nairobi. I would finish school and get a good job. I had lived with my imaginary him that I actually believed in my heart that he looked like that. In my quest to transform from a village girl to a city one, I began to live my life against what I saw with my classmates and what I saw in the movies. I wanted an "Alejandro" handsome man with cars, on ewho would instantlysee me and take me to the movies and buy me nice jewelery and clothes. Oh, I cringe when I think of that time in my life.
We planned to physically meet. I am not sure how. He came to Kahawa which is where I lived. I took one llok at him and made up my mind.
*... To be continued....
Wednesday 29 July 2020
THE GENESIS
Prologue
This is a series based on the journey leading to my wedding and after. I learned many things. I also experienced a lot that made me grow up fast. I hope that as you read through the following pieces, you will learn a few things too. While I appreciate that all of our scenarios in life are different, we all learn from the experiences of those around us. In order for growth to be achieved, it is important to be open to learning. During the period of my wedding, I felt pushed and tested but I also picked up lessons. Some useful-some not so much.
EPISODE 1
**THE GENESIS**
I had a long, difficult adolescent period. My body was undergoing so many changes that I didn't know how to handle. I had read about these changes in class but all who told me about them skipped the part where they were to tell me how to handle all these changes. My mother tried, she told me to stay clean, to wear a brallete for my breast and to buy a Deodorant for the sweat. We never got to the part that tackled my ever increasing attraction toward members of the opposite sex. I don't know who told me but I always knew that it was prudent to wait to have sex after marriage. That was about all the sex education I received. I would later learn that sex with "boys" would get me pregnant.
Armed with my meager knowledge about what awaited me, I stepped into my adolescent life. I was eleven years old when I noticed my breasts sprouting. I was the only one in my class who was undergoing these changes so I did the best I could to hide them. I wore my heavy red jacket through the day and only took it off when I got home. I only got comfortable walking without my jacket when a few other girls sprouted breasts and they didn't water jackets. That made me feel safe and only then did I believe that I was okay.
I sailed through the next couple of classes going through the motions. I didn't know I could talk to someone about what I felt. I learned to go through my problems until they fizzled out or I found a way out. This is a skill I carried with me through my adulthood. I began to dress differently so that I could catch the attention of the older boys around me. For some reason, I did not fancy the boys in my class. They seemed so childish. My confusion coupled with my need to be perfect led me to set up some defences of my own in order to cope. I increasingly became isolated and developed a sharp tongue which made people think twice before they interacted with me. I moved my desk to the back of the class and stayed without a desk mate through my class six and part of class seven as it was known then.
He walked into my class and my heart literally skipped a beat. And after that it began to beat fast and would not slow down. Since I was the only one without a desk mate, he was assigned to be my desk mate. I noticed on the spot that he was a little older than my classmates and I felt so excited. In his presence, I felt the need to be perfect. In his presence, I felt like the quality of air was different. I have never known how but I learned so much about him in a very short while. The reason why I did not know how I had all that information about him is because he and I rarely spoke to each other. We communicated almost telepathically.
He had a certain inexplicable effect on me even at that age. I loved it but I didn't know how to handle it. I needed to be and feel perfect under his gaze. Despite my sprouting breasts being a source of embrassment at the beginning of my adolescence, they were now a source of pride. This is because in my eyes, he was an older boy who would appreciate my "becoming into a woman". I was now eager to try out bras because I had someone to show my body off to. I could not wait to take my sweater off so that he could see that I was not such a small girl.
I took it upon myself to watch over him and take care of him. I told myself that one day I would marry him. We found a way to mutually help one another in our studies. I was poor in science while he was poor in English. We found a way to help each other out. Without words, there was a certain push between us that made us want to make it on behalf of the other. We were a team and both of us worked hard for the team. Needless to say, we both passed our final exams.
There are moments that still stand out in my life to this day. Moments where he made me feel so special. He made me feel I mattered.
The first was where he wrote me a short note asking if we could be together. He first apologized and then proceeded to state his case. This gesture melted my heart. It was the first letter I had received from a boy any age.
Secondly, he was careful to apologize incase he had offended me. In hindsight, I think he wrote that because he knew how explosive I could be. Still, it was sweet. Of course, I replied in the affirmative. I had to get boy letter writing skills from my friend but I sent one back.
The second was a lyric newspaper cut out. Mmmmh, those lines were deep.
The third was a success card for my KCPE exams. The only other people who had sent me a card that size were my parents. It was around this period that a certain girl who was my namesake and a class lower than me presented herself as my competitor. She flaunted a small success card she had sealed and addressed to him on my face for so many days before informing me that she had sent it. For the first time since my interaction with him, I felt a tad jealous.
However, what he did is and will forever be etched in mind. It is the most special thing a man has ever done to me even though technically at the time he was a boy.
He sent me a second card that same evening that the small girl had sent hers. This was to reassure me that we were good.
We sat our final exam. He sent me what was to be the last letter he would ever write me. In it, he was basically asking me to prepare for our separation because he was not sure we were ever going to see each other again. I cried my heart out but there was little I could change. I was to later meet him when I was in second year in campus.
**. - End of part one- **
This is a series based on the journey leading to my wedding and after. I learned many things. I also experienced a lot that made me grow up fast. I hope that as you read through the following pieces, you will learn a few things too. While I appreciate that all of our scenarios in life are different, we all learn from the experiences of those around us. In order for growth to be achieved, it is important to be open to learning. During the period of my wedding, I felt pushed and tested but I also picked up lessons. Some useful-some not so much.
EPISODE 1
**THE GENESIS**
I had a long, difficult adolescent period. My body was undergoing so many changes that I didn't know how to handle. I had read about these changes in class but all who told me about them skipped the part where they were to tell me how to handle all these changes. My mother tried, she told me to stay clean, to wear a brallete for my breast and to buy a Deodorant for the sweat. We never got to the part that tackled my ever increasing attraction toward members of the opposite sex. I don't know who told me but I always knew that it was prudent to wait to have sex after marriage. That was about all the sex education I received. I would later learn that sex with "boys" would get me pregnant.
Armed with my meager knowledge about what awaited me, I stepped into my adolescent life. I was eleven years old when I noticed my breasts sprouting. I was the only one in my class who was undergoing these changes so I did the best I could to hide them. I wore my heavy red jacket through the day and only took it off when I got home. I only got comfortable walking without my jacket when a few other girls sprouted breasts and they didn't water jackets. That made me feel safe and only then did I believe that I was okay.
I sailed through the next couple of classes going through the motions. I didn't know I could talk to someone about what I felt. I learned to go through my problems until they fizzled out or I found a way out. This is a skill I carried with me through my adulthood. I began to dress differently so that I could catch the attention of the older boys around me. For some reason, I did not fancy the boys in my class. They seemed so childish. My confusion coupled with my need to be perfect led me to set up some defences of my own in order to cope. I increasingly became isolated and developed a sharp tongue which made people think twice before they interacted with me. I moved my desk to the back of the class and stayed without a desk mate through my class six and part of class seven as it was known then.
He walked into my class and my heart literally skipped a beat. And after that it began to beat fast and would not slow down. Since I was the only one without a desk mate, he was assigned to be my desk mate. I noticed on the spot that he was a little older than my classmates and I felt so excited. In his presence, I felt the need to be perfect. In his presence, I felt like the quality of air was different. I have never known how but I learned so much about him in a very short while. The reason why I did not know how I had all that information about him is because he and I rarely spoke to each other. We communicated almost telepathically.
He had a certain inexplicable effect on me even at that age. I loved it but I didn't know how to handle it. I needed to be and feel perfect under his gaze. Despite my sprouting breasts being a source of embrassment at the beginning of my adolescence, they were now a source of pride. This is because in my eyes, he was an older boy who would appreciate my "becoming into a woman". I was now eager to try out bras because I had someone to show my body off to. I could not wait to take my sweater off so that he could see that I was not such a small girl.
I took it upon myself to watch over him and take care of him. I told myself that one day I would marry him. We found a way to mutually help one another in our studies. I was poor in science while he was poor in English. We found a way to help each other out. Without words, there was a certain push between us that made us want to make it on behalf of the other. We were a team and both of us worked hard for the team. Needless to say, we both passed our final exams.
There are moments that still stand out in my life to this day. Moments where he made me feel so special. He made me feel I mattered.
The first was where he wrote me a short note asking if we could be together. He first apologized and then proceeded to state his case. This gesture melted my heart. It was the first letter I had received from a boy any age.
Secondly, he was careful to apologize incase he had offended me. In hindsight, I think he wrote that because he knew how explosive I could be. Still, it was sweet. Of course, I replied in the affirmative. I had to get boy letter writing skills from my friend but I sent one back.
The second was a lyric newspaper cut out. Mmmmh, those lines were deep.
The third was a success card for my KCPE exams. The only other people who had sent me a card that size were my parents. It was around this period that a certain girl who was my namesake and a class lower than me presented herself as my competitor. She flaunted a small success card she had sealed and addressed to him on my face for so many days before informing me that she had sent it. For the first time since my interaction with him, I felt a tad jealous.
However, what he did is and will forever be etched in mind. It is the most special thing a man has ever done to me even though technically at the time he was a boy.
He sent me a second card that same evening that the small girl had sent hers. This was to reassure me that we were good.
We sat our final exam. He sent me what was to be the last letter he would ever write me. In it, he was basically asking me to prepare for our separation because he was not sure we were ever going to see each other again. I cried my heart out but there was little I could change. I was to later meet him when I was in second year in campus.
**. - End of part one- **
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