REALLY, GOD DO TAKE IT FROM HERE

Thank you so much for being there in this crazy journey I call story telling. I hope to be here for a long time and that we grow together.
I love the Lord with all my heart. And through my life I have gone through so many phases which have sometimes left me wondering about my relationship with God.Either way,God has been faithful this far.
I am at a point in my life that I have never been before. I always take so much care of my heart, my money,my soul and all that I am just so I am not vulnerable. It has been like that all my life,it has been hard for me to even act (career wise),because to fully bring out a character well,an actor has to tap into their vulnerability.
That is a story for other days.As I was saying ,I feel like I am floating in the middle of a big lake,kind of the one DiCaprio was floating in in a bid to show his love to that lady(Titanic).I am not dead,nor I am I at depression, if anything I am the busiest I have been in a long time,you know since high school.But that is just it,I am busy but nothing really makes sense.
The joy of a new day is almost non-existent and I have began resonating with pain and violence in terms of movies and even novels.It's almost as if hope is hurtful.I am just floating in a frozen lake and lifting my head to look for the shore of the ocean hurts my neck.
Okay, I am done with my sad take,here comes the big BUT.
BUT,I have a hope .A hope in Christ Jesus,this is something I know.It is something I am aware.Now,if I can just relate to it,if I can just understand it,believe it for me,I have faith that I would have more peace and I can float to the shore safely. So,I want to make this prayer to you God,that take it from here.
God, take away the hurt of a heartbreak and replace it with a contentment that you are the lover of my soul.Because only you God can fill an empty heart and mend a wounded soul.
God,provide for my needs.You know that I need fare,I need credit,I need pads,I need food.I am tired of acting like I am on a diet yet it is the lack of money for food that makes me go without food.God,provide my needs.
Dear God,help me make the right decisions in life. Do not make me give in to desperation and make harmful choices.
God,you know that I need a career or something, a job that I love, that I am good at because anything that I am not good at,anything that I am not passionate about will kill me.I believe that you made me good at something for a reason. So,dear Lord I know that you will give me a position in that line.
Lastly,thank you for all the experiences I have had through my life.Because, you are alive and active,because you are an all seeing God,I know that you can see me and nothing goes by you that is accidental.Therefore,thank you.And through this experience,Give me Grace to know that you are God.Give me Grace to be still and know that you are God.
I guess what I am trying to say is that "God,really (meaning totally) take it from here.My strength is done and am sorry that I tried in the first place.

PART TWO(Is it Complicated?maybe,perhaps)

First of all,thank you for reading the first part of this piece.
...
Kim is an interesting character and has a lot of information. He is really interesting,that I must give it to him.And we can actually have a whole conversation on matters Jesus.This really gets me by the way-I am not an overzealous spiritual fanatic but I like a man who knows his Jesus(my previous dating/relationship history notwithstanding).

Remember I told you my acting skills were heightened to new levels? How do you act "normal" around a guy who you really really like and going by all indications likes you back? But,there is an upside to what we have, I act better - seriously.I look forward to coming to set because I can see him and enjoy listening to him:I completely love his English.

The other day,he was answering a question about where he bought this really cool hoodie he had.I will tell you where he got it.

After he wrapped on Saturday, I usually do not shoot on Sartuday,mostly,he CALLED.He sounds really good over the phone(but my opinion cannot be held against me) and politely asked if we could meet on Sunday in town. Of course I said yes.Turns out it was a trip around Toi market.Yes,WE bought the cool hoodie everyone loved.

For the record not what he told everyone, he kind of left it at Toi market.

So far,all is well on set.We are in our own little bubble and its cozy and beautiful in there. The excitement is amazing.I am not going to say I get to be myself because I am still afraid of myself. I am afraid that he may not accept me when he meets 100% me.However,Kim has not asked of me something I have been unable to give yet.He sees what we have as a friendship.

I have a huge crush on Kim.I am aware of that,what I am not aware of is what is on the other side of the crush.For now; this place I am at is great!!!!

Am I complicating my life? I dont  know but if it is,its a good complicated. Plus,my producers get to have a side of the character they have not met-I said he is a good director yeah? A damn good one(wink ).
PS: My dearest friends,I love you guys.

IS IT REALLY COMPLICATED? PERHAPS,MAYBE

I am a teeny bit afraid of penning this one.However, they always say, (they usually know a lot of stuff), step out and just do it. That it is the first step to reaching your dream.My dream among others is to be a storyteller, to make you enjoy and look forward to my stories(fiction or otherwise). So,here it goes.
Working on set was always a dream of mine and I am blessed to be where I am at this point of my life.I have been to only one professional set but am grateful for the chance. Actors wait a long time to get the chance I have(or do they?)
I digress(always loved it when writers use that phrase).
I have always been told that office romance is complicated etc etc,well maybe not told but read.I must admit that when he approached me,it was surreal and cool.Very snipper-ish.
I was leaving since I had wrapped early.He called me very authoritatively, so I turned back. What followed was the start of something magical and full of adrenaline.An experience that would test my acting skills to levels I did not even know I had.
Let's call him,Kim. He is a very talented director,famous even. Meeting him was an honor, it is still is,in more ways than one.Kim,told me I was a great actor.Yeah yeah,I had heard that but none of these people call me when hosting their own projects or say anything helpful after that chorus.
Then.He proceeded and told me the areas I could improve.Sweet,at least he added something, saw something. I know he told that to all the actors but it still felt special and I held my feeling as I took the long route to the matatu stage.It is days like these that I board the most empty matatu because I want to savour special feelings which only make sense to me for as long as I could.And that additional statement was one of those moments. (Which make sense only to me).
And  then he asked for my number so that he could send me some movies I was to watch to help me improve my acting.Sure,why not? I would love that.My career was finally getting off to somewhere.

That night he did keep his word and send me a couple of movie titles.Then he proceeded to ask how may day was?
Fine,I guess.

We got to talking for the next hour,who knew.I was glad we did not get into filters, gels,and those many pixels of a photograph.This was to be our trend henceforth. Act like an actor and a director would (professionally),and chat our hearts out later.
Sometimes, he would be shooting upstairs and I would be somewhere on set and would receive a text message. Most would just be hilarious.
I remember one time, he sent me this really funny meme on wats app about how luhyas thought of Jogoo Road as a road full of cocks and hens and I burst out laughing.He then shouts ,"Silence!!!".The next text was a wink emoji.
Okay,that is another thing that would make sense only to me.
This was to be our back and forth for one season.Don't scowl like that, a season goes by very fast where I work.

So,keep close for exactly how things turn out when we break for the next season...(part two in a few days).
PS: For my friends who think they know what's going on,you don't.

The 5a.m Grater

I had a very long day coming ahead.That is what happens when you have a program to shoot and the schedule has your name and two other names of people you don't know yet. It only means that you will be on your geet, getting lines and delivering them in consistentency with your character for say a long time.I have to sleep in order for me to function alright.
Here is my dilemma in life,I live with 4sisters,every of them has their own set of rules in life,they operate at their own time and space.I am not whining, well a little, but sometimes it is very difficult to cope.
On this day,two of them arrived at the house pretty late,and one if them is pretty loud,so after a fight with sufurias and many questions which of course disrupts my sleep big-time, we finally fall asleep.
Next thing I know is an irritating noise in my ear.Remember the loud one,she decided to grate stuff(carrots and butternut) at 5am 0.005metres from my ear.And just to spooke me and my precious sleep, the thing gets louder and louder.
In a nutshell, I had to wake up at 5am having had less than 4hours of proper sleep.
So, what is the moral of today's story; there are two.1: A grater is such a noisy kitchen equipment especially early in the morning. Grate your stuff at night if you do not have a kitchen separate from other rooms.
2: When living with other people in society, learn to really mind them,like mind them for real. Do to others as you would be done to you.
Thank you.

HOW I MET EXPENSIVE CASSAVA

I have always had a tendency of telling you people about my life. Well, even today I will tell you about my life. That may be direct translation,however,life is about communication. Did I communicate?
I have a degree which I realize now I probably should never have done.My plans and the reality on the ground are parallel ideologies and I am just accepting that close to a year down the line.You see I believed that I would step out onto the acting world and conquer like the learned talented actor I was. Well,so far talented has come up on one or two occasions. Learned,however,is yet to help me.
So,I still say I am looking for a job but truth be told,I have no idea what I am looking for exactly. I think what am looking for is that X factor that keeps eluding me.Why else would I be surrounded by great Actors,directors, producers and never get to be called for another project even after being called talented? I am venting and it's not your fault.It is however my introduction to the issue at hand.
I am in the process of picking myself up in oife,learning stuff.One of the ways is how to earn money for myself and use it well.Managing it you may say. I may never have boarded a plane but I have never lacked money my entire life.
It is only when my mother escorted me to the stage and said goodbye empty handed that it finally hit me that money was sought and managed if you wanted it to last.
Still, HE(remember him) taught me that I could always count on him for anything,mostly money(big big mistake,my sisters).
So,my genesis on how to look for money and manage it,began.It is shocking the things necessity can drive you to do.
This is the point I have never been so business minded and optimistic and forward moving as I am now.I promise I can find you a plot in Tharaka nithi county,negotiate the price for you and buy it on your behalf at a fee of course.
I digress.
I have had to quickly find and piece my pieces. This exercise led me to cassava in Ngara market,because I convinced my sisters that we had to start a food business.I didn't know they could be as expensive but I had no choice but to risk.I knew this is the point in my life that hard choices had to be made to turn my life around albeit in a small way. For now.It would make me feel better,love myself more,if I woke up at 5am to sell this food. And so I bought them.
Dependence can sometimes lead you into staying in a bad place. So,at some point ,if the person/thing is not God Almighty, cut that link of dependence.
One of my blades to server the link of dependence is my expensive cassava.

WHAT EXACTLY DOES IT MEAN?

I was super excited when he told me that we would be going to see my mum.
"Just a small meeting he said,I just want them to know who their daughter is with".
Yeeeei,this was finally happening. Surely this was a sign from God and the universe that he was my the one.He had said this out of his own volition,I think.
Things were finally getting serious,I could literally smell a wedding, I re-embarked on my chiffon wedding gowns research with a renewed vigour.This time I didn't do it quietly,I even asked for opinions from my roommates who have grown into my sisters.
I was justified to be googling wedding dresses because I had run into a wedding ring at HIS house some time and being the kind of girl I am,I thought that it would not take long before he popped the question. I was sure that was the ring because he had told me countless times that he knew I was the one from the first time he saw me.

Fast forward but not too fast because you might miss the moment. HE( his and he is what we are calling the male in question).
HE texts and reveals that he feels like he wants to die.Alas! But why?

Well,there was the routine back and forth of the female inquiring why and HE reitaraiting severally that he needed to think about his life with the female conspicuously missing from that soul finding whatever. Those were bright red lights on a road in Nairobi's CBD with the kanjo in action.

Within 3 days,a one and a half year relationship had moves from meeting my parents, getting engaged to a solo soul finding mission.

It took me ten minutes to cry my heart out(my friend told me that hurt longer than ten minutes is a choice).

The most interesting part is that he actually planned to plan a meeting a week later during which that period he did not communicate to break what seemed to be very heavy news to me.C'mon,I may not always seem that way but my intuition is always on point and is helped by the fact that I am a grown woman.

So,HIM aka HE out there, get your act together before getting into something and realize many days later that perhaps it wa not right for you.

And I have to give credit to the Almighty God for the courage and strength so far,and his assurance that it will be okay.

By the way,what exactly does finding oneself mean?

The End(of the beginning)

I remember that he said he did not even care to know where I lived. However, when I texted him to say hi and that we could hang, he laughed and confirmed if I was serious. When that was confirmed, he was at my gate-the black gate- within the hour.I chose to let that lie slide,he apologized.

Pontifah looked up at me and suggested something I never thought would happen.That we go to the chapel to pray.They were rolling down my cheeks before I had a chance to stop them.And so we went and he prayed.It was awkward at first,it sounded like my three year old when he was first taught to pray at school but I knew God was happy.
Let me recap,Pontifah was as far from God as I was fluent in Greek but I fell in love anyway.I know I am not supposed to be unequally yoked and I still believe that peradventure this was one of those Jacob cases where he kept messing up and God still immensely blessed him.
I dont know how to conclude a story spectacularly so I will end it like I was taught by Teacher Naomi in primary school.

It has been a year now,and the ride has been one hell of a ride. Therein,Ihad a massive stroke and I will never know what deal he made with God but a week after I was discharged from hospital, he gave his life to Christ. If our relationship was  a movie and the events were characters, that would be the main character. The walks from my place to Kahawa stage at 5 in the morning and 9.30 in the night,the times we have spent arguing about the context of phrases in Song of Songs are the supporting cast.The kisses we share in random places are guest appearances. And yeah the extras always appear once in a while-Imax etc etc.
The main character always adds flesh to his character-we attend the same Bible study and we have a prayer breakfast every fortnight dedicated to our union.God knows I pray for him everyday while I hold the ring he gave me when he asked that I be his wife!!!!