Chapter one...

A heartfelt thank to God Almighty because you always have my back.To you my readers,I am grateful...
I have always wanted to wait for the right guy to cross my path.I have wanted to feel that thing that people say you will know.In the process,like I have said so many times is that I have had a couple of detours along the journey. In the space I am at now,I am scared of making another detour.I really want to find my the one at some point in life.However,my real goal and dream is to be content and happy being me.Just being comfortable in being the loud me ,who hates salons,who has her foot in her mouth too many times, who says the extremely wrong things at extremely wrong times,who is funny,who is very quiet because she is observing.That is my biggest life goal right now.

I would like to share with you this new chapter of change in my life.As usual it is mostly about my journey of love for God,for self and for fellow man.

Its been two or three months since my relationship ended.I

 process emotions very slowly,I think that is why I talk the way I do because I attach emotion to words way later.As I thought about what I was doing there for a year and a half,I realized that I had signed a contract for repair mechanic from the word go.I had carried my tools: nagging,persuasion,compromise,tears,desperation,hope...all these were in my toolbox ready for work.The terms and conditions were there for me to read but I ignored them.I was too excited to start the job.

The first tools I engaged with were hope and compromise.I am a Christian lady and I knew that the man with whom I will share a bed with and a house for that matter but I did.Oh my !!!did I set conditions and conditions which suffocated the brother.

You see what happens when you let down your guard and sacrifice your beliefs and principles,friction begins to appear.And it slowly begins to eat up what you are trying to protect. However,what you don't realize is the moment you opened the door of compromise,you already gave up whatever it is you are protecting.In my case, I told myself again,I told myself that I still kept my identity as a born again Christian woman(I went to church).But you see,I was betraying the values that a born again Christian lady stood for.
Before you get all spiritually and religiously defensive,I was betraying myself as a woman.Under what authority was I staying at the mans house.I was not his relative,neither was I his wife.The guy did not even know my family.He had never met even my son.Yet,here I was letting myself being totally dependent on him for everything.

The most interesting bit was that I did not want to fully act as a wife.But,in the grand scheme of things,he did play the role of a husband.I still wanted to wait for sex until marriage, I still did not understand why I should wash his clothes.
Here I was ,with a man whose values were totally different from mine and I was busy trying make us work,No,we could not work.All our arguments stemmed from this seemingly slight anomaly that I chose to ignore in the first place.
Slowly by slowly,I began to unleash the other tools,endless requests for him to accompany me to the Bible Study in church etc etc.(I still attended them,you know false eeassuarances that you are still on the oath you chose).

I worked hard to fulfill my end of the bargain,which I had set for myself of course and each day it got harder.We would get into bitter but senseless arguments because we differed on a lot of things stemming from out differences on values.
I wanted him to conform to what I thought was how life was and so did he;and after some months into it,I wanted out.Something made me stay(We shall look at it sometime ).

When all had ended,when the friction tore up whatever it was that held us together,we fell part,I fell apart. I read the terms and conditions of what I had signed up for.I hope all my friends get to read before signing up for this job.

1:The subject in question will NOT change for you,he will change when he/she wants to.

2:There shall be a lot of pretense and lies between you too, because you are living a lie

3:You have to comprise ,hanging onto false beliefs that you will still remain the same is a lie straight from Satan.

4:There shall be many tears and pain,because humans can be pushed too far.
5;Hope and pray that by the time you realize these ,it will not be too late.
Goodluck.

I was unhappy for sometime and began fulfilling obligations and keeping face during the last months of our relationship ....(found out why soon)..