So; where were we?
Keep reading....
Why did I stay? Why do Christian ladies stay with those who are not born again anyway? I do not know and don't get me wrong;I absolutely have no qualms with people who have different beliefs from the ones I have.I am simply giving my own experience based on who I am and maybe to who you are too.
1.Misplaced priorities
A man for me was my ticket away from trouble or struggling.HE was very generous in footing virtually all my bills. Gradually, I became totally dependent on him.This was fine though because I was living at his house anyway fulfilling 'womanly duties'.I could not think and even if I did,it was not as hard because I knew I would be fine regardless.This would be the reason that I found it hard to walk away when I started making decisions about the direction I wanted my life to take.
I became so terrified that I would not be able to take care of myself once I left considering I still do not have a regular job.So,I stayed.
2.Desperation
I began to get desperate that I would not find another man if I left. I validated my point by the fact that no other man had made advances at me through the time we were in a relationship. I further convinced myself that he was the only one who had taken me with all my 'faults'.(I have for a long time believed that I was manufactured with many faults).
Overtime ,I just became grateful not in love anymore.
3.Misplaced Expectations
There are things in life that only God can give.NOT a MAN.I sought for these things in that man.I strained him and myself in the process. He was not capable of healing my past grievances yet I wanted him to.He was not going to restore whatever was broken in me but I sought him out to do this for me.
See,only God can.And when you place this responsibility on a man,there is bound to be friction.God is the ultimate fixer.
During my stay, I went to church and Bible Study and prayed daily.But I did all these just because it was my duty but I had lost my relationship with God almost totally (He is never too far).As I waited for this man to perform miracles,I stayed.
Towards the end,I reconnected with my God and I began to talk to him,and my prayer was that God should end it.Still,I was so scared as to what would happen to me once I did not have Mr.Man in my life. I did not have anything in terms of how to survive and so I prayed"God end it and give me the courage to accept what happens".
I realize now that for about 4months,I began getting stronger,my emotional dependence began to wane and so did my financial dependence on him.It was still a plan B though.
When he asked to go see my parents,I knew that God had made it a go.And so I asked him to make Mr.Man a priest in our home since I knew marriage was around the corner.(I had even stumbled on an engagement ring in his house).
Meanwhile, I interpreted any doubts as normal fears and told myself that it would work.That love transcended all.
On that Thursday evening when I called to find out why he had gone mute and he confirmed that we were done,I did my ten minutes of tears and got to work.
I began to hustle on that very day and I have been doing that to date.Eating my own money or my fathers money.
I realize now that Mr.Man did me wrong by ending things the way he did but at the end of the day ,we church girls need to know that men are not our ultimate life superman.God is.And then ,we need to also understand that Proverbs 31 is directed at us and is not a standard we were given to gauge men with.
I AM that woman who acknowledges she is not always right.I am that woman who attempted to change a man and it failed.I Am that woman who attempted a union with a man who carried a completely set of core values and it failed.
I AM also that woman who picked herself up and began a journey of discovery.I AM that woman who will live.
I AM that woman who will keep going
No comments:
Post a Comment