MASK OFF(chapter one)

I am generally a very talkative girl when presented with the opportunity. I can also be annoyingly quiet when in unfamiliar territory.
Well, that is what I tell myself. The truth is that I have suffered self esteem issues since I joined high school. I always believe that I am not good enough and until I feel that I am or somebody else points that out in me, then I would rather shut up and let those who care to believe, believe what they will. I am still battling with those issues up to now and have never really let myself out to anybody seeing as I am too scared to reveal myself to the world. I would much rather wait to tailor make myself into what I believe the world  wants  before the great reveal.

It is this lack of self belief that has made me cry myself to sleep so many nights, it is this same disbelief in myself that has made me comfortable when people label me as the tasteless one when it came to so many life matters. It is also this disbelief in myself that has led me to be so vulnerable to pain and hurt because i have confused the little attention i receive from people as a sign of undying love. My need to please people I deem society worthy has caused me embarrassment so many times. Many a times, i have simply locked myself in my room and cried and then came out to face my life- a life I have not loved for some time now.I have not bought poison but have considered the world without me a couple of times. I am afraid of hell so I don't think I would go that way.

This low self esteem has made me wear clothes that could be called trashy in a bid to prove that I too could fit in the fashion at that time or simply put on clothes because i was naked. I have a great body but for many years I have been ashamed at my curves, at my breasts. I did  not like them at all and often wondered why God saw it fit to give me a booty like mine. Or why he made my breasts sprout in class five when none of mu fellow classmates had.
It is this same self esteem that made/makes me argue all the time because I am so desperate to prove that I can make a point too. That I was still relevant.

I ended up pregnant after dating a guy for two weeks. This I must say was among the last nails on my coffin of wallowing in self hate. Now I knew that I was really stupid. I struggled to keep it together after escaping an abortion operation by a whisker.
Every man that said past a hallo to me was a husband material. I desperately wanted to feel needed and loved.I wanted to feel important so desperately.
Oh yes, I laughed but I knew that I was a mess inside me, a ticking time bomb. My crying episodes went a notch higher but It was just me and my sheets and sometimes God. I had learned that you didn't rub your eyes when you cry because that was what caused eye swelling and the redness. and should someone ask me why I was crying, I knew the answer would never make sense to them.

 (join me for chapter two)